I always thought that loving my children meant making sure they came to Family Home Evening, scripture study, family prayer, and certainly church.  After all, haven’t we been taught to “train up a child in the way he should go?”  

Several months ago, it was clear that I needed to do something about my parenting.  I knew just what to do.  I called it “agency by force.”  If I could get my children to just do the right things than, surely they were going to be ok.  Never mind that they had other ideas.  Imagine, a teenager with objectives other that the ones of their parents. What?  Other ideas were just not optional and I told them so.  I was loving them because I was making certain they were doing right, right?  I couldn’t have been more wrong!

It became very apparent that I was loosing a battle that I couldn’t win.  One son decided that church was a waste of time, another became so depressed that I was forced to my knees with panic and worry.  I tried putting them both in counseling.  One refused to go, the other went, but refused to really even talk about what was bothering him.  One was on medication for depression which he frequently refused to take because I was “making him do it.”  Family life was becoming anything but a happy and a comforting place to be. Panicked I was for sure, and completely afraid and fearful.  I was convinced that I was losing my children, and if I lost these two, then certainly I was going to lose them all.  Super logical!  

Through a series of tender mercies we were guided to Tom Dozier, a behavioral therapist in California.  His expertise?  Parenting in the Lord’s way.  We have learned so much about the nature of family, and the beautiful plan that our Father in Heaven has designed for his children.  There have been too many things to write about in one post, so as often as time permits, I will share some of the strategies we have learned from this good man, through this blog format.  The first and probably most important lesson was how to change my definition of love.

Tom taught me that the Lord NEVER uses force.  Anytime that I have felt myself boiling with frustration, I have learned to step back and ask myself, “Am I forcing this child to behave the way I think he should? For example, when our son decided that church was ridiculous, as hard as it was, I found myself going into his room on Sunday mornings to simply invite him. “Son, we are on our way to church, we would love to have you join us.” My voice was much kinder than the typical, “Son get the heck out of bed!  We are sick of being late to church, simply because YOU choose to make us late! What is wrong with you!”  Can you see the redness in my face, the anger and the absolute frustration?  More importantly, what message was my son most assuredly hearing from me?  You lazy bum!  It’s always you that causes problems! 

I have been taught that the relationship is more important than anything. The Lord has always allowed me to make my choices, some of them certainly not as he would have wanted me too, yet the important thing is that He is there when I come to the realization that I’ve blown it.  The hard part as a parent is waiting for our children to “come to themselves,”  especially when the “problems” become more than just not going to church.  I’m there. I get it. I struggle!

I recently read a book by Larry Barkdull, Rescuing Wayward Children.  This is a quote I have in my journal and that recently I have read nearly every day.  It gives me comfort when I fell like I’m completely failing as a mother.  

“No one can take our children from Jesus, and our children simply cannot break free from the Savior’s embrace.  The Father gave them to Him, and Jesus holds them in His hands as pearls of great price.  Despite their present choices, they have a past that will be taken into account at the time of judgment.  In the meantime, Jesus will carefully draw them to Him until the deceptions are stripped away, the offenses are healed, and until our children finally have enough light and knowledge to choose between God and Satan.  If their premortal choices are any indication, we have every hope that they will choose right, which is more in their character than their present actions.” 

For now, I understand that the greatest help I can give my sons who struggle, is a mother more dedicated than ever in her own personal devotion to the Savior.  President Russel M. Nelson has asked that we study everything about the Savior as outlined in the topical guide.  I have started that request, and have found it to be a sweet blessing on the hard days.  My prayers have become more intense that the angels of heaven will come and surround my sons as often as possible to encourage and bless them during their day.  I know those prayers are heard even when they continue to struggle because I know the struggle is temporary, how ever long it will be.  I’m grateful for the law of the fast and the comfort of the temple.  I’m obviously not perfect, or patient, or even frankly happy that this is life for now.  But, I know the Savior knows.  I’m praying that I can trust in Him enough to “come to myself.”

For those who may need help from this earthly angel… 

Tom Dozier

Behavorist/Parenting Coach

925 371 1576

tom@3Lparenting.com